Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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