I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
