life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
