Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
