hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
