Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
When did angry sex become our thing?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
