He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
