the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
