Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
