So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
