2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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