You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my shit smells like andre
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
