when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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