i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Randomize
