I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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