today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
