You can't special order awesome
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
