tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Randomize
