sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Every concussion has its silver lining
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
