I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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