I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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