I want to have your abortion
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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