I just saw a hot homeless man
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
