if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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