apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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