the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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