we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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