i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
