I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
The air taste purple.
Randomize
