I'd wear matching sweaters with you
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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