i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
