Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
