so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
