I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
