I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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