U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
