I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
