he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
