Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
When did angry sex become our thing?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
