I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
