im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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