Got a toothbrush?
I bet he comes in French.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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