he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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