Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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