WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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