Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
