just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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