Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
