it was like his penis was on wheels.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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