just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
